Dear Dad

Dear dad,

I totally thought I wouldn’t cry today. I mean, how old is crying? You never really knew what to do when I was crying anyway. Remember that time you bought me that Raja stuffed tiger from the Disney Store? Man I loved that thing. Most days I do just fine. I can’t figure out if it’s a form of denial. Most times, when I start getting in my head thinking about you, I just push it down and away. I know you aren’t here, but I just don’t get how crying helps. Man, I look like such an idiot right now.

Dear dad,

Sometimes I think about if you would be proud of me. I think you would be so happy I found a full-time position, doing something I love. I bet you never thought all those unpaid internships would be worth it, eh? Guess what? I may go to New York. I know you would probably think that was a really bad idea at first, but you’d probably come around, like you did with me studying abroad. I always cherish how close we got during those months with our emails back and forth. I never knew if I really knew you until we started exchanging all of those emails in college, and I am so so happy for every note. I have so many of them saved in a folder in my gmail account. I still can’t look at them.

Dear dad,

I wish you could have met Dom. I think you would have liked him. You listened to me talk and cry about so many terrible boys, that I think you would have really liked to have met someone who treats your daughter so well.

Dear dad,

Why didn’t you ever want to go back to Kentucky? When I brought it up, when you could still walk, you asked me why  would want to go. I wanted to know more about you. I wanted to know more about your life before mom, and me, and Allie. I still remember that day you told me to toss all of your old stuff out at the Dublin apartment, the stuff mom had asked us to take to you. I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t those certificates from your time in the air force, those trophies from your old life. I guess you figured it didn’t matter anymore, but I wish I had put my foot down and kept them. I feel like I have so little of you right now. 

Dear dad,

you’re right, Paul Newman is the coolest.

Dear dad,

I wish I was ready. I mean, when I tell people you had ALS, everyone always tells me how sorry they are, because that’s obviously what people say and I’m sure they mean it. And they tell me what a terrible disease it is so watch someone die from. But at least people have time to prepare. Family can say goodbye. I had no idea when I said goodbye to you that morning that it would be the last time I would say it. It was heartbreaking to watch you become defeated by this thing you couldn’t change, to assume everyone pitied you because you were in a wheelchair, to see you stay inside because you didn’t want to have to deal with those pitying looks. I wish you knew how proud I was of you still. How much I loved you. I wish I knew you were going to die that day. I wish I meant it when I said it was probably better that you went out from a heart attack than from ALS running it’s course. I wish so much sometimes.

Dear dad,

Joey got married! I know, crazy, right? I cried during her father daughter dance. We used to joke how you’d power me down the aisle on your wheel chair.

Dear dad,

You’d hate my cat.

Dear dad,

Piper died. I don’t believe much in heaven, but I hope that whatever happened, you two found each other again. I don’t think he ever really recovered from you moving out and then moving away.

Dear dad,

Allie and I couldn’t really cut it living together, so we don’t anymore, but I think you’d be so so proud of her too. Do you know she learned how to run the dishwasher? All kidding aside, I am so sad you aren’t able to see her grow so much these past few years. Especially when I would just sleep on the couch and cry when I was really depressed. She was like the big sister. You would be so so proud. Why aren’t you here to see it? Sometimes I start to ask why, and then I laugh at myself because it’s so silly to ask why. It happened. That’s what you’d say.

Dear dad,

Sometimes I forget the sound of your voice, and it makes me cry harder than anything.

Dear dad,

I miss you.

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One comment

  1. […] of Clint Eastwood movies, and unopened copies of Phantom of the Opera. Since I’ve been feeling sentimental lately, I’ve decided to watch through my dad’s movies. And since i fucking LOVE lists, […]

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